A Little Bit of Me

Jottings and Writing, miscellanous misgivings

A shortened Life

I may be bad but I do have my pride. I wait in the room off from the main court and I can hear my cellmate telling his pathetic story.

“Yes I did it but money was tight and I were waiting for pay day”. What he failed to tell the assembled jury and the judge was that payday was his weekly benefit payment. My cellmate, confidant, friend, fellow criminal hadn’t worked a day in his life and thought that society owed him his weekly payout. I hadn’t sunk that low. Yet.

I don’t want to blame this thing on my upbringing, which is becoming another easy way out. Oh! I was beaten, abused, —– (you fill in the blanks) by my mother, father —— (you fill in the blanks), precedes every plea for leniency, understanding these days. I had a dream childhood, Raised by people who turned down the volume on life. They were wonderfully dull people whose only fault was that they kept saying to me ” we don’t know where you came from”. This was their way of avoiding talking about creepy sex things but I came to take it as though they were desperately trying to tell me I was adopted. There was this little girl down the road who they consipirationally whispered to me was “adopted” and I used to wonder if they were trying to tell me something. It was all cosy fire, calendars from tire companies, and ‘preservers’ on the best couch so my grandfather wouldn’t dirty them up like the last one we only had for fifteen years and it looked like a rubbish dump.

I can hear a voice. I can’t work out whether it’s male or female but it’s calling to me. Dimbie, Dimbie, it says. That’s what I used to be called by my brothers and sisters when I was little. Then the lights dull then pulse until they are so bright, so clear, and so white. Then a mans voice but I can’t hear what he is saying. I see the knife and I hear his voice then Dimbie, Dimbie and then laughing. Do they want me to do something with the knife? I hear the laughing and then it goes dark and then its like a searchlight has focussed on this knife. Yes! They want me to do something with the knife.

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