Archive for olympics
Bear Eats Athlete
APA. Stricter drug testing favoured by Olympic body. Spokesperson Raymond Macey warned athletes that stricter testing would precede the 2008 Olympic Games. ‘We are sickened what these young athletes are doing to their bodies with these chemicals’ he said.
Mary Beth knew this was her lucky day. She was nearly at the top of the mountain and she was still fifteen minutes under her best time. The lake swim had been a breeze and she had emerged from the water a good hundred metres in front of the next competitor. She had awoken that morning thinking of the swim and run and even though her heart tightened she knew she was up to the challenge. Since her accident she had been trying hard to return to competitive form but time and time again she choked at the final stretch. Her trainer said it was natural, time would heal. Her fellow competitors were sympathetic but secretly they were pleased she was no longer a serious threat. And she had been fueling up on the honey that came from this very mountain. Honey on toast, honey in tea, honey in baking. As she rounded the trail that led to the turning point at the top of the mountain she allowed herself a smile.
The smile quickly vanished when she saw what was sitting in the clearing, seemingly awaiting her arrival. A huge black bear, red tongue sensuously dangling from his moistened mouth, fixated her with his deep brown eyes. She could see he was a male because an enormous penis, fully erect and engorged with blood, nearly reached to the ground. He rose up on his hind legs and with amazing agility was suddenly in front of her. His penis stood up like a lance and with his front legs he embraced Mary Beth. There was no mistaking his intentions. For some insane reason Mary Beth could only think of a cartoon showing two hunters sitting around a fire, one saying, ‘don’t be afraid, animals are afraid of fire’, and the other looking back gloomily saying ‘I should probably tell you-we’re out of firewood.’ She could smell the bear’s putrid breath as he leaned closer and nuzzled her neck. He was certainly amorous and was, Mary Beth hastily thought, ‘loaded for bear’. His nuzzling suddenly became very painful and Mary Beth instinctively bought he knee up smartly into the bear’s groin. Big mistake. As he entered her his playful hug crushed Mary Beth’s ribcage and her breath escaped her body with a solid whoosh. The last thing Mary Beth heard was the sound of her spine snapping.
APA: The perils of training in the Canadian countryside were exposed last week when a 24yr-old biathlete was killed in an apparent bear attack. Mary Beth Miller had a bite mark on the back of her neck when her body was discovered by police in the heavily wooded area just north of Quebec City. Black bear tracks were spotted near the body.