A Little Bit of Me
Jottings and Writing, miscellanous misgivingsArchive for February, 2011
The Bridesmaid from Hell
The Bridesmaid from Hell
For sale: three wedding dresses and four bridesmaid dresses. Only used once. Slight staining on two. Also assorted accessories for weddings. Ph
Frank was furious. Furious with the stupid, stupid father of the bride. She stormed down the path with his sniggering and laughter still ringing in her ears. How dare he laugh at her. He had laughed first at her name.
“What sort of a name is that? Frank is a boy’s name. “
Actually she was named after Frank Vargas – the famous French female crime-writer. So there mister smarty pants form the sticks. Obviously you missed the brain gene.
Then he had laughed at her suggestion that he adorn the bridal car (actually a rental from a low budget out-of- town Hicksville outfit), with bridal ribbons. He had looked at the article as she pushed them into his hand and then dropped them onto a nearby seat and guffawed in that awful accent.
He looked at her. She was passably attractive in a willowy, doll-like, foreign way. She was tall. Very tall. Taller than him and rail thin. Her complexion made her look the tinniest bit like a doll and her tight raspberry blond curls added to that imagery. She seemed to speak out the side of her mouth but her voice had a slight hardness to it. Not shrill – but the same final effect. You wanted to be out of her company. He saw her as a gazelle – but one that could bite.
She was only trying to help. Frank knew that all her friends welcomed her “little intrusions” into their lives. Frank enriched their existences’. She had a knack of making everything just right. Why just the other week her other “best friend” Janey, had said to her in confidence that what Frank had done for her wedding arrangements was just “hokey”. That meant good – right?
Frank thought of what she had done for N. The poor girl. But she did come from that backward country across the ditch. New Zealand. She had heard they all lived on farms and did disgusting things with sheep. A little bit of sick slid into the back of Franks mouthy Imagine! Sheep! Yuck! Well N had gone out and bought a ‘frock’ for her wedding but the poor girl didn’t have a clue. Frank had three perfectly good wedding dresses just lying idle in her closet and she knew that for as little as $3000 Australian dollars she could make one that would just suit the little beach wedding that N had planned. And she could talk her into upgrading that ring. A girl just had to get the best deal on rings. A minimum of $20,000 A dollars. A minimum of $30,000 on the wedding. The whole nine yards. Frank, herself had topped her first wedding by making Alistar fork out $43,455 for her second crowning. He just loved her so much. Why everybody loved Frank.
When she thought of N’s father the red mist descended. She would just go out and decorate that car herself. Damn him and damn his eyes.
Best man jumps off Glenelg Jetty to save woman
- Doug Robertson, Police Reporter
- From: AdelaideNow
- November 29, 2010 11:36AM
The best-dressed mystery rescuers were on the jetty having their wedding party photographs taken when the woman, 55, fell into the water about 6pm.
The bride, who was a trained nurse, began CPR after the best man, who jumped into the water in his wedding suit, pulled the unconscious woman from the shallow water to the beach.
Surf lifesavers say that, without their intervention, the woman might have died.
The woman had stopped breathing, with the bride starting CPR on the beach while others called lifesavers who were nearby.
Surf Life Saving SA volunteers arrived to assist before SA Ambulance officers took over.
Surf Life Saving SA state manager Shane Daw said the injured woman was with another female about the same age before falling from the jetty.
And now look what had happened. That N! She always ends up the centre of attention. It should be about me! Here I am standing, in isolation on the stupid pier while N and J and A are interviewed by TV. Because she saved someone’s life. Jeez! If I was a nurse and wasn’t afraid to get my good dress wet and knew how to do CPR I would have been in that water as quick as a flash. But no! It’s all about here. ‘Superbride” to the rescue. I ask you. What have I done wrong?
“I know. I’ll talk to her. Yeah! Talk to N. Find out what makes her tick. Get up close and personal.
Hey N!”
“ have you ever heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?
“No! Why?”
“Well it just explains some things I have been thinking about “
“So what is this DunKrug thingy?”
“ .The Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in which “people reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices but their incompetence robs them of the metacognitive ability to realize it. The unskilled therefore suffer from illusory superiority, rating their own ability as above average, much higher than in actuality; by contrast, the highly skilled underrate their abilities, suffering from illusory inferiority. This leads to a perverse result where less competent people will rate their own ability higher than more competent people.”
“ Wow. Does that mean that you think I think I am smarter than you? I am only trying to help. Why is it that I always end up getting hated by everyone when all I want to do is make your life better? Like mine. See – I am happy.”
“Maybe. Maybe not so much.”
“ I mean there are some real idiots in this world. For example. When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’ It just makes you think. Some people have to be prodded and poked”
“Are you implying that I am dummer than a guy who can’t carry out a simple task?”
“No! Heaven forbid friend. I just see that sometimes you need a little push. A friendly hand to the small of your back”
An Elderly Moment
Theo made the decision to go to her while she was drinking her afternoon tea. 
“Hello. My name is George, oh! But most of my good friends call me Theo” he said, extending his hand.
She placed her teacup back onto the table. Theo took her hand and admired the feel of her thin, delicate fingers intertwined in his own.
“Janine,” she said, “and what a beautiful thing to say George.”
“Janine,” Theo said, “you have the most beautiful hands. You must be the most beautiful woman here.”
She smiled at him. “Why thank you – George “.
Her teeth were whiter than the porcelain that held her tea. She withdrew her hand and picked up the teacup again and sipped lightly.
“I moved here about a month ago. I’ve been wondering who you are,” George said, gently settling into a chair nearby. He leaned his cane against the table and wondered if they were her natural teeth or dentures. George decided it felt better if he thought they were her own teeth.
“I noticed when you arrived,” Janine said, wiping a small smudge of lipstick from the teacup. She thought to herself that George or Theo was one of the better dressed men there. Today, he was wearing navy blue slacks (with a sharp crease – she like that), black loafers (and they were freshly shined – she liked that even better), a cream colored dress shirt (slightly stained and frayed around the collar and where was the cravat or tie?), and a tan-colored sweater vest (rather plain but then he was an elderly gentleman). His thinning gray hair was brushed away from his face. His left eye was cloudy and grey. His right eye was a faded shade of blue.
“That’s wonderful,” he said, grinning. “I noticed you as well. How long have you lived here?”
“About five years,” Janine said.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”
“It’s a long story but the short version is I fell and I broke my hip,” she said, slowly swiveling the wheelchair around to face him.
George would liked to have heard the longer version but time had become very flexible lately. “That’s unfortunate, though that clearly has not affected how you move yourself… or other people.”
“You’re charming,” she said, smiling coyly at him and flashing those teeth again. “And you? What has brought you to the Hillcrest Nursing Home?”
“About six months ago, I had a stroke,” he murmured. After a pause, he said, “I can’t move around quite like I used to yet but I am told that I will make a full recovery. Be back to how I used to be. Fit as a buck rat.”
“Oh,” she said. “That’s too bad. Not the rat thing but the stroke”
She resumed drinking her tea. He watched her. She was indeed a striking woman. There was an awkward silence
“How have you been spending your time since you’ve been here?” she eventually asked. “Does anyone come to visit you?
“I have a son, but he lives far away.” George looked steadily at her. “I’d like to spend more of my time getting to know you.”
Janine smiled and adjusted the red bow that was tied to the armrest of her wheelchair. “George, ummm Theo. This is a nice place, but like all things good it costs. How do you pay for the rent here?”
George looked at her quizzically before replying, “Medicaid. Why do you ask?”
Janine frowned. “Just wondering,” she murmured. She turned her wheelchair back to the table and took another sip of her tea. She didn’t lift her eyes from the cup afterwards.
George cleared his throat, wondering what had just happened. After taking a deep breath, he said, “Janine, perhaps we could meet for dessert after dinner tonight? I could bring a pastry to your room.”
Janine pushed the teacup towards the center of the table. Before wheeling herself away, she said, “George, no money, no honey.”An Elderly Moment
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